Monthly Archives: December 2013

On Mental Health, A Reflection

When you spend 30 years fucking off for a living, loving with all your heart, and you wake up one morning to realize you neglected the things that mattered, the you that never healed, it’s hard not to look ahead, be overwhelmed, and see the struggle you now face to put your life back on whatever track it’s suppose to be on. All I ever wanted was love. Nothing else mattered. I found the most amazing life tucked into my self-avoidance, someone who saw past all that shit, and loved me, for me(even the dark areas). You can only avoid yourself for so long. Some people go their entire lives without a fraction of the work I’ve put in this past year, just to stay living. It’s different for everyone. There is no right answer. I look ahead now while doing my best to live in the now; to not overwhelm myself. I don’t know what happens, or if I will ever shake the weight of the burdens I carry. I know that if you can’t visualize where you are going, you will never get there. I knew exactly where I was going once, for the first time, and I wound up lost. I still feel lost. I don’t get what it’s all for, where I will end up, or if there is another side. Reflecting on the negligence I have lived my life with is breath stealing. Moments quickly turned to years before I knew it. I’m healthier than I have ever been. I have worked so hard to heal the old pain in me. It often feels like that’s what’s left, like it’s going to take the rest of my life, as it should. I was never career oriented, so the things I have achieved over this time don’t always keep the positive, positive. Sorrow is such a derailing thing to live with. It exists in happiness, in sadness, within your greatest moments, and in love, and as if all those things were the ocean, your sorrow is an undertow to drown you, even in love.

If you are raising a child(or if you are struggling), teach them(or yourself) self love. Teach them to be proactive in mental health. That mental health is just as important, if not more than physical health. No matter how stressful or chaotic things get, let them know your support is there for them, no matter what they choose to do, and especially if they fail. Teach them that it’s okay. What you do, how you act, what you say, will find a way to affect them. Your mental health is important. Seek your own help, so that you can be healthy for them. Living with mental illness is crippling. In most cases it starts with the home, the “village”, but you end up living with it alone, as if everything, everyone didn’t play their part. Maybe this is why I have found such a love for positive community. It’s no one’s fault. It’s not my fault, but it can be prevented.




And I wish I knew you__
Where your heart goes when
love whispers, if you pull at
the bed sheets when if I loved
between your thoughts, if I
exist in this room?

Your smiles aren’t mine. They
tire of my ever belly aching
silence that steals the
air between us, I’m suffocating.
Holy the hours with which I would spend
within your kiss, the Sage Francis
lyric supporting the razor,
I’m in love with the thought of
falling in love, with all of your
neglected places, your hands tremble
as my lack of ligaments shoulder
shutter the pressed smiles
I will from your lips, and
the salted oceans that would inevitably fall
down your cheek when I break
your heart, someday. The apologies in
advance mean shit; my warnings
def on broken rec, on broken
records, on the shelf where I’d keep the
fractions of your heart left behind,
the slivers I’ll pull from my skin,
the hair pins sucked up by the vacuum
remind me, to keep my mouth shut.

I left a YES[ ], NO[ ], Maybe[ ],
and you checked the box I
forgot to pencil in.
Your silence is heard.
I appreciate the eyes you left,
or maybe just for the moments
where I felt like a boy again.



1. Light Breezes
I could barely breathe, though your laughter
warmed me to tears and holy shit you just
walked in the room. I don’t know if you’ve moved
on, if it’s she that now makes you happy,
assumptions of/in friendship, 20 years
outstanding physiological judgment
passed, communication one sided, on both sides.
I’m scared I have left your heart.

This use to be easy for us, you my tomato
my calm winter snowfall kept beneath my blankets.
I miss us. I still love you. How do I
honor that? How do I come down from that
mountain overwhelming, filled with love
and not cry in your arms the way I’m supposed to?
How if you’re within distance of my fingertips
do I not reach out to hold you?

We’re still breathing . . . so love me.

2. The Bunny’s Name is Paco!
The way I am. . .
What was I thinking about? The way
the cats come and go like train of
thought, sunk nestled on my shoulder
the remembrance of you, the love
they give me in loving memory of my
sorrow, like shut up and be, DAD,
presents from snail mailed lovers, elephants
journaling our embrace from miles apart,
the sun in red light, farm districts,
the comfort to tell me your loss,
and spoon feed me your soul, and my tomato,
I gave it to you, my heart, all of me,
Dominican winds from the west, pulling
me to the mountains in suspenders,
the potted plants as thanks, Buddhist prayer flags
kept in the right place, Tetris woven
into the headlights of oncoming traffic,
the apology I lacked in tears, because
all I wanted was your breath on the
back of my neck, dark figure in the
doorway, the bunny reminded me I
don’t know my weight in words, and
I don’t know your breath in verse, so
here’s mine. Love on top of love,
stitched with love, filled with love,
called love, in love, for love, and
all yours. I honor the place in you
which is of love, and light, and
peace, those smiles, that came straight
from your heart. You showed me, me,
healed, full, of garden fresh tea, me, in
love, ohh the love, like a little boy,
thank you.

35.8333333 BREATHS

35.8333333 BREATHS

      (Title Note: 35.8333333 breaths is approximately how many you will take while at rest listening to this poem.)

It takes approximately 6 seconds to breathe in, and to breathe out.
Which means every 3 seconds we have the opportunity to start over.
Exhale all of our fears, our pain, our heartache,
to show love to all of that hurt, then let it go.

You, hold onto pain like a child clutches its mother
in a room full of strangers, and I, want to teach you
all I know about breathing, about the meditation between breaths,
about your skin the way I would imagine comfort feeling,
and you, in a room full of friends, unprovoked and brilliant, clutch my hand
as tears roll down your cheek. So we walk, talk all night,
while thinking of kissing where those tears fell, because I remember that feeling,
but your lips locked my vision as they parted,
your breath interrupted, the taste of moonlight
as it formed dew on my mustache, and your laughter,
maybe soon I’ll be visible.

I apologize, for the things I can’t control,
for the love I can’t heal, and for the complication
in my arms, the way they hold you the way
they’re designed to, the way I wanted to.
And I apologize that I am not perfect, that I can see pain first,
that I am often shy and will allow you to run away
without telling you, you are beautiful. My brain
stutters without reason or semblance of speed.
I can’t always give you the comfort you need,
due to my need for comfort, and that’s okay,
because each day we take approximately 28,800 breaths,
that’s 10,512,000 chances a year to choose to smile,
and imagine a better place, breathe each other in,
and breathe all of this out. So cheer up, I promise
it gets better. If you need proof, the sun is rising,
your friends are holding you, your bed is made,
and we all just smiled, because you did.