Category Archives: Uncategorized

Free Air! + Letting Each Other Safely Pass

I believe in honoring my writing. What ever hits the page, hits the page, and I wear my heart on my sleeve for the whole world to see. However, my heart feels heavy after my last post. What I haven’t been giving you(the writing I have been keeping to myself), now seems to have been the better choice in all of this. It was not right of me to post/read that to anyone. It was beautiful, but painful. I see that clearly. I’ve gone back and forth about taking it down, but for now it’s still there.  I am going to be making a conscious effort to be more present,  and not give so much of my overwhelming sorrow to anyone who will listen. For the record, sorrow and I may be old friends, but I have learned how to be happy, how to move forward, how to finally be a part of my own life. I smile more now, and that’s huge for someone who’s always been internally sad. The sorrow lives deep in my mind, not my heart, and my last post was closer to a subconscious train of thought than conscious.

“Forgiveness is for anyone who needs safe passage through our minds.” – Rev. Dr. Kathianne Lewis.

I’ve had the honor of meeting Buddy Wakefield a few times in my life. The most recent being a feature at Northampton Poetry. Two years ago my life seemed to fall apart; I could do nothing right to hold it together. A friend recommended Buddy’s poetry to me and he quickly became something of a spiritual mentor, or guide. Along with poetry, I soaked up every book and article on human behavior, learning how to help myself through breathing, and learning to be present. Through all of this and a good therapist, I saw my self worth grow to a healthy place for the first time in my life. I encourage everyone to watch, learn Vipassana, or at least remember that stopping, letting go of all thought other than listening and being conscious of your breath, even for just one 3 second in, and 3 second out(average breath), will start to change your life. Your thoughts(even your stress if you choose to let it back in) will still be there 6 seconds later, what could it change. . . except everything!

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On Mental Health, A Reflection

When you spend 30 years fucking off for a living, loving with all your heart, and you wake up one morning to realize you neglected the things that mattered, the you that never healed, it’s hard not to look ahead, be overwhelmed, and see the struggle you now face to put your life back on whatever track it’s suppose to be on. All I ever wanted was love. Nothing else mattered. I found the most amazing life tucked into my self-avoidance, someone who saw past all that shit, and loved me, for me(even the dark areas). You can only avoid yourself for so long. Some people go their entire lives without a fraction of the work I’ve put in this past year, just to stay living. It’s different for everyone. There is no right answer. I look ahead now while doing my best to live in the now; to not overwhelm myself. I don’t know what happens, or if I will ever shake the weight of the burdens I carry. I know that if you can’t visualize where you are going, you will never get there. I knew exactly where I was going once, for the first time, and I wound up lost. I still feel lost. I don’t get what it’s all for, where I will end up, or if there is another side. Reflecting on the negligence I have lived my life with is breath stealing. Moments quickly turned to years before I knew it. I’m healthier than I have ever been. I have worked so hard to heal the old pain in me. It often feels like that’s what’s left, like it’s going to take the rest of my life, as it should. I was never career oriented, so the things I have achieved over this time don’t always keep the positive, positive. Sorrow is such a derailing thing to live with. It exists in happiness, in sadness, within your greatest moments, and in love, and as if all those things were the ocean, your sorrow is an undertow to drown you, even in love.

If you are raising a child(or if you are struggling), teach them(or yourself) self love. Teach them to be proactive in mental health. That mental health is just as important, if not more than physical health. No matter how stressful or chaotic things get, let them know your support is there for them, no matter what they choose to do, and especially if they fail. Teach them that it’s okay. What you do, how you act, what you say, will find a way to affect them. Your mental health is important. Seek your own help, so that you can be healthy for them. Living with mental illness is crippling. In most cases it starts with the home, the “village”, but you end up living with it alone, as if everything, everyone didn’t play their part. Maybe this is why I have found such a love for positive community. It’s no one’s fault. It’s not my fault, but it can be prevented.

11/22/13